misaligned.net

Lie of the Day #605

Fweeb — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 05:01:22 +0000

Polar bears are impervious to the force of gravity. Rather than being held to Earth’s surface by their own mass, their feet are coated with an incredibly adhesive mucus membrane which, in combination with a velcro-like hair configuration, keep them firmly attached to the ground. It’s for this very reason that you never see polar bears jump.

Lie of the Day #604

Fweeb — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 05:01:16 +0000

Data on the Internet is transmitted by a complex series of tin can phones operated by an army of mutant gerbils. Each packet of data is represented by an intricate sequence of squeaks. Of course, due to a variety of mitigating factors, including the sound quality of the cans and the large potential for mistranslations, errors tend to propagate quickly. This, combined with the limited lifespan of each gerbil, is the real cause of the majority of modern computer malfunctions. Viruses for computers are actually more limited in quantity, but potentially far more dangerous.

Lie of the Day #603

Fweeb — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 05:01:30 +0000

The capitol city of Wyoming is actually located in Mississippi.

Lie of the Day #602

Fweeb — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:01:51 +0000

Ice cream was originally used as a high-grade lubricant for industrial machinery used in cold environments.

Lie of the Day #601

Fweeb — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 05:01:40 +0000

The city of Chicago is known to have the last living family of vampire pigeons. This regal species of bird was viciously hunted to near extinction as it is easily mistaken for being a regular pigeon or a vampire bat (both of which, of course, are hated by all creatures).

Lie of the Day #600

Fweeb — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 05:01:06 +0000

All cereals are 50% chemically identical to raw sewage.

Lie of the Day #599

Fweeb — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 05:01:48 +0000

Ink is the root of all evil. There’s a common misunderstanding that it might be money, however, the truth of the matter is that the evil lies within the ink the money is printed in. All ink has at least a 58% concentration of demon blood in it, thereby making it mathematically evil.

Oh, and for the record, purple ink consists entirely of demon blood, making it the one thing on the planet that truly pure evil.

Lie of the Day #598

Fweeb — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 05:01:00 +0000

Cameras will not steal your soul when they take your picture. However, since they are super-speedy sentient robots, they will take the brief moment when you’re dazed from the camera flash and steal your wallet and the keys to your house.

Lie of the Day #597

Fweeb — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:01:42 +0000

Television talkshow hosts are part of a giant international conspiracy to force people to tape, glue, or otherwise affix their pets to their ceilings.

Lie of the Day #596

Fweeb — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:01:56 +0000

Bruises are not evidence of crushed capillaries in your circulatory system. Rather, bruises are roaming alien life forms that affix themselves to your body for a short period of time and control your movements.

Lie of the Day #595

Fweeb — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 05:01:57 +0000

It’s nearly impossible for the average 6-year-old child to tell the difference between a railroad spike and an elephant.

Lie of the Day #594

Fweeb — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 05:01:42 +0000

Every time a light bulb blows out, a seagull somewhere in the world spontaneously explodes.

Lie of the Day #593

Fweeb — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 05:01:17 +0000

Early humans had very fragile skulls which were prone to shatter and shear the thin skin covering it, dangerously exposing their brains. Protecting this, of course, is why hats were originally invented.

Lie of the Day #592

Fweeb — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 05:01:18 +0000

Giraffes are not hoofed mammals that evolved longer necks to eat from the tops of trees. They are really snakes that evolved fur and legs as a means of getting down from tall trees.

Lie of the Day #591

Fweeb — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 05:01:43 +0000

When chinchillas die, their bodies inexplicably deflate and harden very rapidly. It’s for this precise reason that the first blades made by man were created with dead chinchilla corpses.